Utensils Unwelcome

Quinn Pedrick, Managing Editor

Should pizza, chicken wings, or burgers be consumed with a knife and fork? Absolutely not, except for the occasional exception with pizza. If anyone says yes, I’m betting they are a diagnosed psychopath, but seriously, why?

Imagine you have a steaming piece of pizza in front of you, but you lack patience entirely, your go-to move is either scorching your fingers and mouth, or taking a knife and fork to cut the pizza into small bites that are easier to consume, even though it is still quite hot. If you have a sliver of sanity, you would choose the latter, which is not an absolutely disgusting route to choose for the initial consumption. After a few minutes when the pizza has cooled to a manageable degree to pick it up with your hands, there should no longer be any use of utensils. If you use a fork and knife to eat the entire pizza, I don’t know whether to fear or shame you. Just, are you okay? Who told you that you must eat a slice of grease and cheese with such manners?

Moving away from the singular exception, chicken wings are a meal of grease, spice or flavor, and mess. The goal of eating chicken wings is to walk away with a thick layer of sauce and grease coating your hands, face, and possibly clothes. Choosing to be all prim and proper with four sort of pointy sticks on another stick and a metal or a plastic stick with ridges defeats the entire purpose of chicken wings. How does being clean defeat the euphoria that comes from aggressively, quite carnivorously, consuming drenched nuggets of chicken? I also want to know why cleanliness has more importance than patience and/or convenience for these psychopaths. Do you sane people know how hard it is to manage to maneuver and efficiently consume a chicken wing with utensils? I only know this experience by testing it, for obviously scientific purposes, but it is insanely difficult and time consuming. It is probably very time consuming, but I may have stopped after 10 seconds since my non-existent patience had enough after one tiny bite.

The last material of food that infuriates me when I see it being consumed with utensils is a cheeseburger or really any type of sandwich. This, I can understand a teensy bit, because it could be better for having your organized stack of ingredients in a bite, but I also don’t see why it is difficult to have the same effect by picking the thing up with your hands. Yes, certain sandwiches can be very messy depending on the condiments and certain additional ingredients, but if a messy sandwich is ordered, a messy outcome has also been ordered.

That philosophy of commitment goes for all meals ever. If you commit to a dish, you must commit completely to whatever may result from that initial commitment. I swear this was written in the basic handbook of life, but apparently, people have disregarded that insightful yet unknown text.

Please, I beg of you, tell me in the comments why someone would ever use utensils for eating anything that, by its definition, was made to end up in a delicious and extremely unhealthy mess. If you are one of those people, I would really love to actually understand the mentality of being so cleanly or proper with absolutely no shame.